Who am I?

"Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!"

Dietrich Bonhoeffer
March 4,1946

romanseight

"How great is our God. Sing with me, how great is our God. All will see how great, how great, is our God." This is a rather common church worship song, but do we ever really think about what we are saying? How great is our God! He is, is He not? But do we ever think about the depth of that statement. Think of how big our own world is. It's huge. There are approximately 7 billion people on the earth right now. According to Louie Giglio, you could put 960,000 earths into the area of the sun. Psalm 33 says that "By the word of the Lord were the heavens made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth" (vs. 6). So God breathed into existence something that big, and yet it is one of the smallest stars in the universe. So basically, God is so great that He created an entire universe that He can fit in His hand. How's that for great?

Sometimes, when I think about the greatness of God, I feel so little. Why would He create me? I feel like an ant trying to bring more greatness to a tree (lame analogy I know, but bear with me). To an ant, the tree is so big and the ant is so small...what could the ant possibly to do make the tree bigger. I have done so many wrong things and continue to fail in so many areas, my weak spots are great. And yet God still chose to create me. Psalm 139 says that "all your days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be". God knew all that I was going to do, all the wrong and right I would do, before He even made me. So in my human mind, I often wonder why He made me. Why would He use someone like me after all I've done and failed to do. It just doesn't make a lot of sense. 

When I was talking to a friend about this a bit ago, he reminded me of a verse in Romans. The verse is this: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (8:1). For those who are in Christ, there is no condemnation for the past. God has set us free. This concept of freedom is actually something that God just revealed to me recently. I live with a lot of regret, and He has been reminding me that I am set free in Him. We are set free in Him. We do not need to worry about our past, He has forgiven us. Paul goes on to write in verse 2, "For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death". That is what Christ came to do, set us free from our sin in Him.

However, that was not really what jumped out to me about this passage. Verse 1, in and of itself, is pretty mind blowing. It points out that we are free in Him, we are not being condemned or judged for our sin rather we are free. But its a couple verses later that really hit me. 

"For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God." (8:5-8)

*kick in the stomach*

Paul uses harsh language here. First, he begins with a clarification. Those who live according to the flesh set their minds on things of the flesh. Makes sense, ya? And that those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. So basically what you value is what you fight for. You can't mix the two however. This was one kick. You cannot set your mind on things of the Spirit if you live by things of the flesh. It just isn't possible. It's like trying to ask for an olive from a grape tree....impossible, improbable, not likely. I realized that I often live by things of the flesh (laziness, grumpiness, attention, self-gain, pleasure) yet expect to have my mind set on things of the Spirit. Paul makes it extremely clear here that that is not possible. If you want to have your mind set on things of the Spirit, you need to live by the Spirit. 

If that wasn't harsh enough, he goes farther. He continues to say that "to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." So therefore, if you choose to live by the flesh, you set your mind on the flesh, which then in turn leads to death. However if you choose to live by the Spirit and set your mind on the Spirit, that leads to life and peace. It's interesting how it is not just life you gain but peace as well. Peace cannot be obtained by living by the flesh. Sometimes we get this idea that if we just do ______ enough, then we will have true peace. No. Peace cannot be obtained apart from God. 

Paul closes out with his harshest words of all. "for the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. those who are in the flesh cannot please God". Paul does not mix the two. You either live by the flesh or you live by the Spirit. You cannot live mostly by the Spirit and only a little by the flesh. The idea of "oh, well I'll go to church on Sundays and Wednesdays and volunteer there Thursdays and Saturdays and read my Bible ever day and run three Bible studies and help out at my daughter's school, and every once in a while go to a bar and get wasted...but that's only like once a month". Yeah no, that once a month is still living a little bit by the flesh, and Paul clearly states here that those who live by the flesh cannot please God. Cannot. C-a-n-n-o-t. You are either all for Jesus or don't waste your time. If you are half in, half out, He will spit you out of His mouth (said somewhere in the gospels).

I'm not writing this to be a downer. I'm honestly writing this to share what I learned tonight, or what God revealed to me tonight. I struggle with this so much. I like to hold on to my little things, the things of the flesh that I'm too scared to let go. And I argue with God all the time that it's only a little thing. I've already given Him everything else, what's wrong with the little thing I'm keeping? But, as He so clearly reminded me tonight, I need to go all in or don't waste my time. Because He will spit the luke-warmer-ers out of His mouth. He's offering me complete freedom in Him in exchange for my flesh, which usually just causes problems anyways.

So it begs the question: why aren't I jumping all in? God, who created the entire universe and holds it all in His hand, is offering to redeem my life and use it for His glory, and I have reservations? "No God, you aren't good enough for me" Wow, how selfish and stupid and arrogant. Just sayin.

PERU!

As many of you may know, I am currently pursuing an Educational Ministry degree at Seattle Pacific University. As a part of my degree, I am required to complete an internship that has to do with what I would like to do long term. I have spent a lot of time praying over what exactly God would have my internship be. Many of the people in this major usually do a church internship during the school year. However, I really felt God calling me to look for an overseas trip, since that is where He has called my heart. And He is faithful to provide. Through a series of opening and closing doors, God opened a possibility to travel to Peru this summer with Youth Missions International. So I prayed about it, and talked with my parents about it, and we bought tickets a couple weeks ago!! So needless to say, I am traveling to Peru this summer. From YMI's perspective, this is a two month college mission trip. From SPU's perspective, this is a two month internship. So it works out great! I am so amazed at how God continues to work things out in ways that I never could have guessed or orchestrated on my own.

So that being said, I will be leaving for Lima, Peru on July 21st and returning on September 17th (with a training before and a debriefing afterwards). I will be living with the YMI Peru directors, Julio and Rosario Serrano while I'm there. As far as I know at this moment, my primary "job" down there will be teaching English at both a local church and the local High School, as well as just helping Julio and Rosario in any way that I can and participating in the youth program at the church. 

I am extremely excited for this trip. I have been praying for an opportunity like this for a long while, and I am so amazed at how God has opened the doors for this. I am excited to see what He is going to do in my life, as well as what He is going to do while I'm down there period. 

I think that prayer is the single biggest need that I have for this trip. While I am extremely excited, I'm beginning to get a little nervous. I will be traveling by myself, so prayer for safety would be wonderful. Also, since I am a semi-spoiled college student and I only live 40 miles from home, I haven't ever spent two months away from my family and so if I'm going to be honest, that scares me a little bit too. However, I do think that the biggest fear I have is that I will allow my own desires or expectations to basically "block out" or influence what God has planned for this trip, and that thought scares me really bad. The only expectation I am trying to have for this trip is that God will do great things in both my life and the lives of the people in Peru that I will be with. However, I do know myself and I sometimes get caught up in what I want to do. So prayer that I would just submit all ideas, expectations, hopes, desires to God and allow Him to do what He will with this trip, and that I will rely on Him fully. That would be wonderful, thank you! I know that God works through our insecurities and our fears and our weaknesses, so I trust that He will work through these and be glorified even more knowing that where I am weak, He is strong. 

I will be posting updates from time to time about my preparations for this trip as well as using this blog as my form of communication during my time in Peru. Thank you so much for all of your prayers, I am unbelievably blessed with them.

Hasta pronto,

Taylor

believe and be satisfied.

"Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone: to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But, God to a Christian says, no, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me, alone. With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me. To having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me, alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I plan for you.

You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, really united with another, exclusive of anyone, or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing...one that you cannot imagine.

I want you to have the best, please allow Me to bring it to you. Just keep watching Me...expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am. And keep listening and learning the things I tell you.

You just wait, that's all...wait. Don't be anxious, don't worry, don't look around at the things that others have gotten or I have given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep on looking off and away to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you. And then, when you are ready , I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anything you would dream of.

You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, and I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepare for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. And this is perfect love. And, dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.

I want to see in you, in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me. And I want you to enjoy materially, the everlasting union and beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. I know that I love you utterly. I am El Shaddai-most loving Father, God Almighty. Believe it and be satisfied and I will satisfy you."

I did not write this, I received it a couple years ago on Valentines day from a camp counselor. And I absolutely love it, so I thought I would share it on this Valentines day :) It is such a good reminder that God is our first and only true, perfect love. And He loves us so much more than we can ever be loved, and so much more than we can ever love. 

I will close with this quote: "a woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him in order to find her" (or vice versa for guys)

dwell.

"trust in the Lord, and do good; 

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act."

psalm 37:3-5

i think we all have cases where we would rather be somewhere else or doing something else than where we are at the moment. i've been experiencing this feeling quite often lately because i've spent a lot of time thinking about the future lately, and honestly school isn't the funnest thing around. i would much rather just be living at home with my family and be able to just invest in my family and my church and ministry and work and not worry about homework and classes and projects and exams. you know, the grass is much greener on the other side concept. my defense against that ideology is pretty weak, not going to lie. and its been hard to focus on Jesus and trust He has a plan for everything, and everyplace that He puts me. 

with the desire to be at home, i figured out a way last night that i could go home for church this morning by taking the bus. i called a friend and she said she could come get me at the bus station in puyallup, and i was so excited. i hadn't told my parents so i could surprise them, and i just was hugely relieved knowing i would be home somewhere safe soon. needless to say, i ended up sleeping through my alarm this morning and missed my bus by an hour. i was super disappointed this morning, realizing it wasn't going to happen. but i got up and went to church anyways, and the sermon happened to be on making your life count. pastor dahlstrom opened the sermon up with saying "do not check out for any reason. our calling is to live as people of blessing wherever God puts us". major slap upside the head, ya? pretty much. he talked a lot about faithfulness, and being faithful with the situations that God has given us.

i think that we all deal with that at some point -- we want a different job, a different group of friends, a different calling, a different _________. and then, when we take time and focus on what we want to be different, we never live in the moment or focus on where we are at this exact moment in time. i know that i am so guilty of this. i always look at what is ahead or what lies in my past and almost never focus on where i am at the moment. but God calls us to be faithful in our individual lives, in our current paths, in where He has placed us. He has put us where we are for a reason. and that reason is not to disengage, as i make a habit of doing quite often. when things get difficult or i get discouraged, i disengage. i run home, i hide in my room, i remove myself from the people around me, instead of working those difficulties through. and God calls us to work the difficulties through. continuity is key to remaining content with where you are. we are in this for the long run, when we feel like it and when we don't. when it's easy and when its hard. we don't live with glitter, we live with consistency and continuity and choosing to work through the hard things even when its beyond our strength to do so. i firmly trust that God puts us where we are for a reason, and to be His hands and feet to whoever we are around, or wherever we are. His plans are so much greater, but do we really believe that?

i don't really know if this makes any sense, but i was really convicted by this message this morning (especially since the reason i was there was because i slept through the alarm reminding me to go home...i think God allowed that on purpose). are we purposing to live where we are right now? to care about the people who God has placed in our lives right now? to be a blessing to those around us, and in the situations we are in day in and day out? the verse above says to "trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness". we are called to be faithful in the little things and in the situations where God has placed us. and when we do that, and we purpose to be His hands and feet in our days, then i know that God will be honored and glorified, and He will conform our will to His. david follows with this suggestion: "delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". if we delight ourselves in Him, then He will conform our will to His and will fulfill the desires of our heart, because those desires will be for Him. 

Deliver Me Jesus....

...from the desire to be praised, honored,

glorified, preferred, consulted, or approved.

Deliver me, Jesus, from the fear of being humiliated,

criticized, forgotten, ridiculed, maltreated,

and from the fear of what others will think.

Oh, Jesus, give me the grace to desire: that others

would be loved and esteemed ahead of me;

that in the eyes of the world they would

increase and I decrease, and be praised while I pass by

unnoticed; that others would be preferred in all

situations; that others would become more

than myself -- in order that I would be as

holy as You want me to be.

-Charles de Foucauld-

broken hearts

dear Jesus,

my heart is so broken, such a bloody mess

from all the times i've failed before, the times i've failed the test

i gave pieces of it away and kept parts hidden deep

i tried to sew it back together after it had been torn and beat

i tried to control how it made me feel

and yet at the same time i wanted to be real

but Jesus, i can't do it. i don't know how to live

with this broken, messy pile, it's so hard for me to give

so Father i give it to you and beg you to repair,

protect, keep, and hold; please don't let it tear

but most of all i ask that you fill it to the top

with your love, grace, and mercy, fill it 'till i pop

because i want you to shine through all my cracks, tears, and holes

and i pray my life is lived for your glory....

...and by your strength...

alone.

amen.

"for God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything" - 1 john 3:20

**now please take into consideration i am both an amateur artist and poet**

i've been thinking quite a lot lately about girls and their hearts. and just how for girls, their lives are run so much by their hearts than guys (at least i think). but from the time we are little, girls like to dress up and look pretty. everything is about tutus and ruffles and sparkles and dresses and princesses. especially from our daddys. i remember my first dance i went to when i was 14, one of the most memorable things about that day was that my daddy told me i was beautiful. i felt like i could conquer the world, i could do anything. because my daddy thought i was beautiful. that was all i needed.

from the point of childhood through junior high and high school and college even, girls hearts endure a lot of pain and hurt. that awkward stage in puberty where everyone is searching for their self worth, but in today's day and age that worth comes more from the physical and outward appearance than from the inward character and beauty. through that entire battle, a girl's heart is trampled, torn, bruised, cracked, and beaten. we often feel like our hearts can cause a battle, like they intervene in everything and control our lives. at least i do. and often, discerning the difference between my emotions and the right thing to do feels like near impossible. 

and yet through this all, the thought of surrendering my heart to Jesus, seems near impossible as well. i mean picture it. me. coming to the feet of Jesus. holding my heart in my hands. broken. squashed. cracked. bleeding. you can't even tell it used to be my heart. why would Jesus want it? what would He do with it? i would feel guilty for not giving it to Him at the beginning, for not protecting it as much as i should have, for not keeping it as pure as i should have. the shame. the hurt. its a mess.

then i came across this verse. "for God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything". Jesus is greater than my heart. no way. how could anyone be bigger than my heart? my heart seems so big, so overwhelming. and yet Jesus is bigger. He knows the emotions and the hurt and the pain that i've carried around for years. and yet He wants to fix it. He wants to mend it. since God was the one who made my heart, He is the only one who can fix it correctly. i can't. i've tried to mend it by burying the memories deep and not thinking about it, or saying its okay and hoping at some point my heart will agree. but that falls apart in a short amount of time and doesn't work. 

until we come to the reality that God is the only one who can fully mend our hearts, we will be searching for answers and short term fixes our entire lives. but here's the funny thing. God's power is made perfect in our weaknesses. He shines through our cracks and holes in such an incredible way. He wants to fix our hearts. but in order for Him to fix them, we have to fully surrender them to Him. we need to be on our knees before Him, handing over our hearts. and then, only then, will He be able to fix them, protect them, and preserve them.

i don't know if i'm the only one who has ever dealt with this, or if any of you have has well. but this is a very big issue in my life as well as so many girls around me. and i found so much hope in the fact that our creator is the only one who can fix what He has made. and He is able to fix it. it comes down to the fact, "do [we] believe that [He] is able to do this?" (matthew 9:28).

shalom.