broken hearts

dear Jesus,

my heart is so broken, such a bloody mess

from all the times i've failed before, the times i've failed the test

i gave pieces of it away and kept parts hidden deep

i tried to sew it back together after it had been torn and beat

i tried to control how it made me feel

and yet at the same time i wanted to be real

but Jesus, i can't do it. i don't know how to live

with this broken, messy pile, it's so hard for me to give

so Father i give it to you and beg you to repair,

protect, keep, and hold; please don't let it tear

but most of all i ask that you fill it to the top

with your love, grace, and mercy, fill it 'till i pop

because i want you to shine through all my cracks, tears, and holes

and i pray my life is lived for your glory....

...and by your strength...

alone.

amen.

"for God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything" - 1 john 3:20

**now please take into consideration i am both an amateur artist and poet**

i've been thinking quite a lot lately about girls and their hearts. and just how for girls, their lives are run so much by their hearts than guys (at least i think). but from the time we are little, girls like to dress up and look pretty. everything is about tutus and ruffles and sparkles and dresses and princesses. especially from our daddys. i remember my first dance i went to when i was 14, one of the most memorable things about that day was that my daddy told me i was beautiful. i felt like i could conquer the world, i could do anything. because my daddy thought i was beautiful. that was all i needed.

from the point of childhood through junior high and high school and college even, girls hearts endure a lot of pain and hurt. that awkward stage in puberty where everyone is searching for their self worth, but in today's day and age that worth comes more from the physical and outward appearance than from the inward character and beauty. through that entire battle, a girl's heart is trampled, torn, bruised, cracked, and beaten. we often feel like our hearts can cause a battle, like they intervene in everything and control our lives. at least i do. and often, discerning the difference between my emotions and the right thing to do feels like near impossible. 

and yet through this all, the thought of surrendering my heart to Jesus, seems near impossible as well. i mean picture it. me. coming to the feet of Jesus. holding my heart in my hands. broken. squashed. cracked. bleeding. you can't even tell it used to be my heart. why would Jesus want it? what would He do with it? i would feel guilty for not giving it to Him at the beginning, for not protecting it as much as i should have, for not keeping it as pure as i should have. the shame. the hurt. its a mess.

then i came across this verse. "for God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything". Jesus is greater than my heart. no way. how could anyone be bigger than my heart? my heart seems so big, so overwhelming. and yet Jesus is bigger. He knows the emotions and the hurt and the pain that i've carried around for years. and yet He wants to fix it. He wants to mend it. since God was the one who made my heart, He is the only one who can fix it correctly. i can't. i've tried to mend it by burying the memories deep and not thinking about it, or saying its okay and hoping at some point my heart will agree. but that falls apart in a short amount of time and doesn't work. 

until we come to the reality that God is the only one who can fully mend our hearts, we will be searching for answers and short term fixes our entire lives. but here's the funny thing. God's power is made perfect in our weaknesses. He shines through our cracks and holes in such an incredible way. He wants to fix our hearts. but in order for Him to fix them, we have to fully surrender them to Him. we need to be on our knees before Him, handing over our hearts. and then, only then, will He be able to fix them, protect them, and preserve them.

i don't know if i'm the only one who has ever dealt with this, or if any of you have has well. but this is a very big issue in my life as well as so many girls around me. and i found so much hope in the fact that our creator is the only one who can fix what He has made. and He is able to fix it. it comes down to the fact, "do [we] believe that [He] is able to do this?" (matthew 9:28).

shalom.