hurt

i have pretty much the smallest pain tolerance in the world. you think i'm kidding...i'm not. when it comes to physical pain, i'm about the biggest wimp out there. each and every one of us have a degree to which we can withstand pain. for some (like me) its a little amount, for others (like a friend of mine in grade school) its a very large amount. 


pain, in its very essence, is something that intrudes on the beauty of life. often however it makes us aware that something is wrong. when you break a bone, i'm told it is extremely painful. the reason is because your leg is trying to tell the rest of you that something is very wrong, something isn't going right, and you need to fix it. and sometimes that fixing can cause more pain then there originally was so that in the end the pain is eventually gone. usually if nothing hurts, nothing is going wrong. 


however, like we all know, pain is not only physical. it can be emotional as well. this type of pain is called hurt. whether its hurt caused by relational issues or personal issues or past issues, hurt can be detrimental to a person. and often, when we are in the midst of hurt, we can't find a way to see past it. that's all that matters. just the hurt right then and there, and it seems impossible sometimes that life can ever be hurt-less again. i have had hurt get to a point where i can no longer sleep because it hurts so bad. sometimes i think that emotional hurt can be so much bigger than physical pain. it can hurt even more. for a time in high school, i had nights where the emotional hurt was so big i couldn't even dream of ever overcoming it. i had tried certain things to make it go away, but none of them were successful. i felt so overwhelmed. 


when you read through the psalms, there are so many that portray david trying to glorify God in his pain. it has become a well known christian "saying" now to glorify Him in the rain as well as in the sun. we cannot only have Jesus in the good times, we need to have Him in the bad times too and bring Him glory in both. but how do we bring glory to God when, if we're honest, it can be hard to see Him in the midst of our hurt?


i've been praying and asking God to help me glorify Him in the hurt, and asking for ways to bring Him glory even when i can't always see Him present in my hurt. this has been a prayer request of mine for a very long time as i've worked through different issues and different hurts. and this is what He put on my heart tonight. 

like i said in the beginning, often it takes you going through more pain or hurt before you will reach resolution or healing. anyone who wants to loose weight must first go through the daily struggle of working out and establishing a routine. anyone who wants to heal from a wounded relationship must first go through the daily (and sometimes hourly) re-commitment of that pain to God and to His healing power. a lump of clay first must be molded and formed (which if the clay had feelings, i'm sure that would hurt) before it can be made into a beautiful pot. all of those various forms of pain before perfection mean that change is taking place, something is being made different.

this is what hurt is in our lives.

this is a way God works in our hurt.

hurt is a sign that God is wanting to make something different, He is wanting to change something. if there was never hurt, i would be worried because then God would not be calling to my attention the things that need to change. since we are indeed human, we will never be perfect and therefore we will always have things that need fixing. and even though the fixing often will hurt, it is God who is orchestrating the fixing and indeed He is "fixing".

i don't know if any of this made sense, but it was on my mind and heart tonight. it did bring me comfort as i have been dealing with hurt and healing recently, and reminded me that those hurts are signs of God doing a work and changing something to be more like Him. and i can take pride and comfort in that, because the God of the universe is doing a work in my life. He is molding me. He is changing me. and He will redeem my hurt and healing for His glory.

i think i may have just rambled, but i hope at least the main point stands out. if you have anything you would like to add, please let me know.

i will close with this: thank you Jesus for the fact that you are present in our pain as well as in our joy, and that you see us worthwhile enough to change and mold and shape us into who you want us to be.

shalom.

good or great.

"so when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. then the eyes of both were opened..." 

genesis 3:6-7a

"for i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

jeremiah 29:11

we all have plans. whether we consciously make them or not, we have them. we have plans, expectations, hopes, and dreams. and, as a result of having plans, there are many times where things do not go according to our plan. often, flexibility is a byproduct of having our plans messed with. i can think of so many plans in my life time that have been messed with, from everything to not getting a tree house when i was little (though that was a result of me being a disobedient kid, but my plans were still messed with) to not getting to go to a concert last night that i thought i was going to get to go to. our plans get messed with. change and flexibility is forced upon us. and often, it frustrates us. the unknown frustrates us. as human beings, we like to be in control. i admit it. i am a control freak sometimes. and when people or things happen differently than i planned (because let's face it: even though i think i can control everyone's minds and behaviors, i admittedly have not reached that type of technology yet), i get frustrated. 

there really is a point to this, i promise. 

most of the time, our plans do not line up with God's plans. and then frustration and awkwardness occurs. the result of this disallignment is often our sinful nature, selfish nature, fallen nature, you name it. most of the time the reason our plans don't line up with God's plans is because our plans are for our own glory and God's plans are for God's glory. 

i had a situation in my life where things did not go according to my plan (well, i've had many of these but this is a specific one). but the thing was, i didn't think my plan was bad. from the way i saw it, my plan lined up with God's plan, and it was God-honoring. so why wasn't my plan and God's plan one and the same? why were they clashing?

when God created adam and eve and told them to live in the garden of eden, and to take care of all of the animals and plants and stuff, he gave them one rule: do not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. that was the only rule. they could have free reign of the rest of the garden, all its food, all its beauty, everything. just don't eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. one rule. simple, right? ya, uh no. whats the first thing you do when someone tells you not to do something? usually, you end up doing whatever it is they told you not to do. and in this case, satan eventually convinced them to do what they were told not to do.

but here's what i want to highlight from the verse above. "...the woman saw that the tree was good for food..." the tree itself was not bad. in fact it was good. it was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, it has to be good. God created it. therefore, the tree was not evil. and most likely, the tree probably was good for food. so eve's plan was for something that was indeed good. 

except for the fact that God had said no. 

there are two points i want to make from this verse. the first is that sometimes, our plan can be for something that is good. i think back to last year when i applied to be on the youth group band staff here at spu. i applied, went through the entire application/interview/audition process. its a worship band. it was something that honored and glorified God. it was good. however, i didn't make it. for a while i was really frustrated because i didn't see why i shouldn't be on that band. i mean, it honored and glorified God. it wasn't contradictory to Him. so how could it be apart from his plan? many times our plans are good. but God's plan is great. while we think we have the best, God has the bestest. when i applied for the worship team, i even had people tell me i should have been on that team and they didn't know why i wasn't. i realized later that i wouldn't/didn't have the time i needed to invest fully in that team and leadership position, and that because i wasn't on that team i had the ability to invest more in my floor. that was a side-effect that i couldn't have possibly seen coming. it was God's great, which was better than my good. so the take away? often our plans can be for something good, something that could be wonderful and beautiful and good. but God's plans are always great and so much more wonderfuller and beautifuller and gooder than ours could ever be. 

the second point i want to make from this verse is that often God's plans are great, and then we get in the way and we compromise them. i have had times in my life where after the fact, i could see how it could have gone if i had only listened to God but because i decided to step in the way, i compromised His plan and only got part of the awesomeness that He had originally planned for me. because we have a hard time trusting in the sovereign God's almighty and perfect plan, we often can miss out on all that He had in store for us. because of this, we need to learn to trust in His plan and forsake our own so that we can experience all that He has in store for us. since it is the God of the universe who holds our lives in His hand, i'm pretty sure we want to see everything that He is going to allow us to see because He is God and He is wonderful and He is almighty. who wouldn't want to experience every good gift that comes from Him?

just because our plan is good doesn't mean that it automatically lines up with His plan. we need to continue to seek His will every minute and constantly be aligning our hearts with His. 

our God is good. our God is wonderful. our God is powerful. and He has a plan that will honor and glorify Him forever, and that will cause us to honor and glorify Him forever. but two plans cannot simultaneously exist, one simply will win over the other. more often than i would like to admit, my own will wins over God's will. this needs to change. i need to submit my will to God's will, and allow Him to work His plan for His glory. 

are you going for good, or great?

Who am I?

"Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!"

Dietrich Bonhoeffer
March 4,1946