life is a battle.

When I was little, I thought that the worst word that could ever be used to describe me was selfish. And I never wanted to be described that way, because it meant that I didn't care about other people. Only myself. And to me, that was the biggest fault or the worst thing I could ever do: to not care about others but rather be only interested in my own life.

As Christians, we tend to live with a dual nature. We have the nature of sin, the nature we were born with. A nature that came as a result of the fall, as result of us choosing ourselves over God (essentially selfishness). However, we also have the nature of Grace, His nature, that comes to live in us when we accept that we are hopeless without Him, and we ask Him to save us. And while the ideal plan is that His nature overtake our sinful nature, often it is a struggle. And this is what I have come to find. That many times I feel like there is a war going on inside my heart and mind between my selfish nature, and His nature. And I wish I could say it is easy to choose His nature, every time, all the time. But often it is not. I find myself arguing, persuading, convincing myself that my sinful nature is indeed not that sinful. I struggle with desires and hopes, often desires and hopes that it appears God has given me, but I have a check in my spirit about them anyways and can almost always find a way to say they are not from God. In the last few weeks, God has revealed to me the many ways in which I am a selfish human being. The many ways in which I choose my own desire, my own comfort, my own **insert object of selfishness here** over His. I feel like Paul, when he writes in Romans:

"For what I do is not the good I want to do; 

no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. 

So I find this law at work: when I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 

For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 

but I see another law at work in the members of my body, 

waging war against the law of my mind

 and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." 

Romans 7:19, 21-23

It is a war. And many times I feel as if I am victim to it, as if I cannot do anything yet wander around in darkness hoping to stumble across the right decision or the strength to choose His will over mine. 

I was reading through a book the other day, Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray, and the chapter was on abiding in Christ and not in ourselves. Murray wrote the following:

"Believer, if you want to truly and fully abide in Christ,

 prepare yourself to part forever from self and not to allow it, 

even for a single moment, to have anything to say in your inner life" 

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This was such a difficult passage to read. We are called to abandon everything at the foot of the cross. Everything. And to not let our selfish, sinful desire back in for one moment. 

This is the calling of Christians. And this is such a high calling. It is a call of abandonment, a call of selflessness, a call of total surrender to Christ and His word. This is not easy, nor should it be taken lightly. 

However, Paul finishes out his thoughts in Romans 7 with this:

 "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 

Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" 

Romans 7:24-25

I find Paul's response here super interesting. He claims, and admits that he is a wretched man, and needs a savior and a rescuer. And he names that savior to be Jesus Christ, and gives thanks to God. But He does not give a solution to the problem, rather just chooses to rest in Christ to be His solution. And that is the answer I have come to find. This is a battle that we are fighting as Christians, but our only solution is to rest and trust in the Lord, and continue to thank Him and praise Him in everything. When things are good, praise Him. When things are bad, praise Him. When things are sad, praise Him. Praise Him in any and every situation. And trust that He will fight for us. 

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still"

Exodus 14:14

So essentially, the solution that I have come to is this: we are in the middle of a war. Satan does not want to lose you easily, and therefore life will feel like a battle. But take courage in this: the Lord will not give you more than you can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13), and He is fighting for you. You need to rest in Him and trust in Him, and allow Him to work in your life. And if we can get to the place that, selfishness or not, we are choosing to rest in Him, He will work in our areas of selfishness. He will draw us closer to Him, so close that we cannot resist Him. We are works in progress, and He who began that work will carry it out to completion (Philippians 1:6).

That being said, we are also called to rejoice in the Lord. We are not called to a life of depression but rather a life of joy in Him and His glory. He did create us with the desires we have, and often uses them for His glory and as a part of His plan, only if we delight in Him first. He is already delighting in us, and calls us to do the same. Rejoice in the Lord. And purpose to use your desires and hopes to His glory in the end. 

 "Abide thus in Him; He has promised to abide in you. 

He will teach you to be humble and watchful. 

He will teach you to be happy and trustful. 

Bring every interest of your life, every power of your nature, 

all the unceasing flow of thought and will and feeling that make up life, 

and trust Him to take the place that self once filled." 

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On a side note, Peru is going great! God has taught me so much, and I have made so many wonderful relationships down here I will be very sad to leave :( But I have seen Him work, and I have many stories I can hopefully post soon. Tomorrow is the 10 day mark, I can't believe it's almost over. Time sure does fly, but I am excited to see what all God is going to continue to do in these next 10 days as my time wraps up here. To my family, friends, and boyfriend...I miss you all dearly, but I will see you soon. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and encouragement, I can definitely feel them!