forgive.

love your enemies.

when i was little, this was one of the hardest parts of the Bible to understand. why would God call me to love my enemies? did i even have enemies?

now, as a twenty year old young woman, who went through the entire k-12 education system as well as three years of college, i am beginning to understand what this means. i didn't think i would have enemies, until i was hurt. 

i spent quite a bit of time in upper elementary, junior high, and high school just wanting to fit in. and i never did. i was a part of many different friend groups and people groups. i would find one that i thought might work, until i started to get the feel i didn't fit in. i would stop getting invited to things, left on the outside of conversations, only acknowledged when i pushed for acknowledgement. i had multiple people tell me they just didn't like me, which just frustrated me and confused me. and after this happened enough, i started to build a wall around my heart and my essence. i wouldn't let anyone see the real taylor, because i was too afraid if they did that they would just leave like so many others had. this highly impacted relationships in college that could have been good relationships, but because i was too afraid to be real, those relationships didn't continue. i became clingy, because when i found someone who would be my friend, i was so afraid that i would lose them that i would do anything i could to keep them. i began to trust in myself rather than in my Father. i was hurt. i was broken. i was afraid. but most of all, i became angry. this is not a reaction that i'm proud of, just fyi.

out of my hurt stemmed a bitterness and anger against the people that hurt me. and sadly, some of that bitterness and anger was until quite recently. i had thought i had dealt with it, but it began to eek out in unseen ways with little comments i would make here and there. and God began to point out to me how wrong that was. some of these grudges had been held on to for years and years, and i still had yet to forgive them. why? why was it so hard for me to forgive others, when God so easily forgave me?

regrettably, i often find it harder to forgive others who claim to follow the same God that i do. it's fairly easy to forgive someone who does not understand their need for Christ, or who does not believe in the Bible. it is much harder to forgive someone who lives the same lifestyle that you do, who reads and follows the Bible, and who seeks to serve the same God that i do. what i am about to write is primarily about forgiving other Christians. 

i found it rather frightening, and scary, and condemning, and convicting, and shaming  and embarrassing...that i disliked so many people. and some of them were for very stupid reasons. i realized that i tended to judge people rather easily, and not talk to certain people just because i did not think they were "worthy" of my time. how arrogant and stupid is that? how prideful? how much does this reveal about my heart? when i began to see the darkness of my anger, i felt very ashamed. and i still do.

so i began to figure out what i needed to do to change this. first, why was it important to forgive others? i mean if they really had hurt me, why did i need to forgive them? this seemed like a rather elementary concept, but still. why.

 be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, 

as God in Christ forgave you.

ephesians 4:32

 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, 

so you also must forgive. 

colossians 3:13

reason  number one: Christ forgave me. i am called to forgive other people because Christ has forgiven me. it is as simple as that. if Christ kept the same grudges, held the same kind of distaste and bitterness for me that i did for other people, i would be dead. literally. and i would be spending eternity in hell. i am called to forgive others because He has forgiven me. 

 for if you forgive others their trespasses, 

your heavenly Father will also forgive you,

 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, 

neither will your Father forgive your trespasses

matthew 6:14-15 

 do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.

1 peter 3:9

reason number two: we are promised forgiveness and blessings ourselves, if we forgive and bless others. this might be a bit more of a selfish reason, but matthew clearly states that if we do not forgive others our Father will not forgive us. 

love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.

luke 6:27-28

reason number three: we are called to love. we are not called to hate. we are called to love.

here's a secret. God created everyone. He designed everyone, everyone was made in the image of God. humans were created in the image of God, whether or not you believe in predestination. our image mirrors that of the Lord's. now this does not just mean our physical appearance, but rather our heart, our soul, our mind, our feelings, our being. it is all a part of our image, and that image is the same as the one who created us. therefore, our image was created holy, just as He is holy.

this means me, and the person i cannot seem to forgive, were both created by God. we are both being used by Him. we are both glorifying Him. we are both His children. ouch.

here's a second secret. humans are sinful beings, and therefore we are not perfect. our image is holy, but sin has corrupted that image. sin impacts us, but it does not impact the holiness of God. however, we are still sinners. no matter how hard we try to do things right, we are fallen human beings and therefore we will fail. others will fail. i will hurt someone else, and they will hurt me. this is a fact of life that cannot be changed, this side of the fall. the best we can do is to try our best, and trust God for the rest. 

here's the third and final secret, and this is something that God has revealed to me and taught me over the past six months. we serve a creative and vast and infinite God. because God and His might and power are so big, i, in my infinite and small mind, will never comprehend all that He is. never. i cannot. i do believe that He teaches and reveals different aspects of His character to different people. i think that this allows for the differentiation of conscience sometimes in compassion, as well as it is a testimony to the greatness of God. things affect people differently. for example, God has really been emphasizing the aspect of lukewarmness in my life. meaning? that if i am going to serve Him, i am going to serve Him with my whole life. lukewarmness is a very big deal to me, and super important. however, for someone else, God may be emphasizing His aspect of justice or His aspect of Christianity or something like that. God teaches different people different things. all a part of the same God, and glorifying the same God, but different from person to person. He works in people in different ways. 

so forgiveness, in some part comes down to trust. 

when it came to think about forgiving those people that i could not forgive, here's what i began to consider.

one, i had to realize that they too were a fallen being. they were not perfect, and they could not ever be perfect. 

two, they too were saved by grace. God uses them just as much as He uses me, and He loves them just as much as He loves me. this was a hard one to grasp at first, because it angered me that He could love them so much, just as He loved me, especially after how they had hurt me. but then i realized that they too were His children, and He loved them just as much as He loved me. 

three, provided that they were following Him, i had to learn to trust that God would change their lives. God has the power to do whatever He wants. He had the power to stop them from hurting me, but He didn't. He allowed it for some reason, and so it was up to me as to whether or not i was going to trust God to change their life. i am not responsible for others' relationships with God. i am only responsible for my own. and so all that i can do is to trust that He will work in others lives, because He can in powerful ways, in His own timing. 

we are called to forgive. we are commanded to forgive. this is between us and God. sometime this must be a choice, a choice to forgive others. but i have found that when you forgive, your life is much free-er than before. when you trust everything to God, you are free to just love with the love that He has shown and given you, and He will take care of the rest. i know this is not easy, believe me i know. but God has promised to never leave us or forsake us, and to give us the strength to do what He has called us to do. He has called us to forgive, so He will give us strength to forgive. 

so i ask you: who do you need to forgive, and how much longer are you going to allow them to hold you captive?

life is a battle.

When I was little, I thought that the worst word that could ever be used to describe me was selfish. And I never wanted to be described that way, because it meant that I didn't care about other people. Only myself. And to me, that was the biggest fault or the worst thing I could ever do: to not care about others but rather be only interested in my own life.

As Christians, we tend to live with a dual nature. We have the nature of sin, the nature we were born with. A nature that came as a result of the fall, as result of us choosing ourselves over God (essentially selfishness). However, we also have the nature of Grace, His nature, that comes to live in us when we accept that we are hopeless without Him, and we ask Him to save us. And while the ideal plan is that His nature overtake our sinful nature, often it is a struggle. And this is what I have come to find. That many times I feel like there is a war going on inside my heart and mind between my selfish nature, and His nature. And I wish I could say it is easy to choose His nature, every time, all the time. But often it is not. I find myself arguing, persuading, convincing myself that my sinful nature is indeed not that sinful. I struggle with desires and hopes, often desires and hopes that it appears God has given me, but I have a check in my spirit about them anyways and can almost always find a way to say they are not from God. In the last few weeks, God has revealed to me the many ways in which I am a selfish human being. The many ways in which I choose my own desire, my own comfort, my own **insert object of selfishness here** over His. I feel like Paul, when he writes in Romans:

"For what I do is not the good I want to do; 

no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. 

So I find this law at work: when I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 

For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 

but I see another law at work in the members of my body, 

waging war against the law of my mind

 and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." 

Romans 7:19, 21-23

It is a war. And many times I feel as if I am victim to it, as if I cannot do anything yet wander around in darkness hoping to stumble across the right decision or the strength to choose His will over mine. 

I was reading through a book the other day, Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray, and the chapter was on abiding in Christ and not in ourselves. Murray wrote the following:

"Believer, if you want to truly and fully abide in Christ,

 prepare yourself to part forever from self and not to allow it, 

even for a single moment, to have anything to say in your inner life" 

Page 231

This was such a difficult passage to read. We are called to abandon everything at the foot of the cross. Everything. And to not let our selfish, sinful desire back in for one moment. 

This is the calling of Christians. And this is such a high calling. It is a call of abandonment, a call of selflessness, a call of total surrender to Christ and His word. This is not easy, nor should it be taken lightly. 

However, Paul finishes out his thoughts in Romans 7 with this:

 "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 

Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" 

Romans 7:24-25

I find Paul's response here super interesting. He claims, and admits that he is a wretched man, and needs a savior and a rescuer. And he names that savior to be Jesus Christ, and gives thanks to God. But He does not give a solution to the problem, rather just chooses to rest in Christ to be His solution. And that is the answer I have come to find. This is a battle that we are fighting as Christians, but our only solution is to rest and trust in the Lord, and continue to thank Him and praise Him in everything. When things are good, praise Him. When things are bad, praise Him. When things are sad, praise Him. Praise Him in any and every situation. And trust that He will fight for us. 

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still"

Exodus 14:14

So essentially, the solution that I have come to is this: we are in the middle of a war. Satan does not want to lose you easily, and therefore life will feel like a battle. But take courage in this: the Lord will not give you more than you can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13), and He is fighting for you. You need to rest in Him and trust in Him, and allow Him to work in your life. And if we can get to the place that, selfishness or not, we are choosing to rest in Him, He will work in our areas of selfishness. He will draw us closer to Him, so close that we cannot resist Him. We are works in progress, and He who began that work will carry it out to completion (Philippians 1:6).

That being said, we are also called to rejoice in the Lord. We are not called to a life of depression but rather a life of joy in Him and His glory. He did create us with the desires we have, and often uses them for His glory and as a part of His plan, only if we delight in Him first. He is already delighting in us, and calls us to do the same. Rejoice in the Lord. And purpose to use your desires and hopes to His glory in the end. 

 "Abide thus in Him; He has promised to abide in you. 

He will teach you to be humble and watchful. 

He will teach you to be happy and trustful. 

Bring every interest of your life, every power of your nature, 

all the unceasing flow of thought and will and feeling that make up life, 

and trust Him to take the place that self once filled." 

Page 233

On a side note, Peru is going great! God has taught me so much, and I have made so many wonderful relationships down here I will be very sad to leave :( But I have seen Him work, and I have many stories I can hopefully post soon. Tomorrow is the 10 day mark, I can't believe it's almost over. Time sure does fly, but I am excited to see what all God is going to continue to do in these next 10 days as my time wraps up here. To my family, friends, and boyfriend...I miss you all dearly, but I will see you soon. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and encouragement, I can definitely feel them! 

¿Hablas Inglés?

Last week, I was working at ATRIO (a school) and I was talking with a little boy. Our conversation wasn't very complicated, but apparently I was speaking Spanish alright because about half way through our conversation he looks at me and goes, "are you our new Miss?" (well, in Spanish of course, with Miss meaning Teacher), and I responded "well yes, I am here to teach English." And the little boy got this excited look on his face and goes, "oh, do you speak ENGLISH??!" 

I started teaching at two different schools last week. The first is called ATRIO, and it is a school for 3-17 year olds, and I teach in every class from 3-17 year olds. I teach there on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays from 8-2. Instead of leading conversation groups, I have been teaching their English classes. So the teacher will give me the book about five minutes before class and say "you need to teach this today", and then I teach whatever it is for the next 45 minutes. I've taught everything from grammar, food, transportation, culture, vocabulary, to helping students write papers about their summer vacations and famous people that they've heard of. I absolutely love the kids, they have so much energy, and they are so patient with me and my Spanish. Yesterday, I had three people tell me I'm adorable when I speak Spanish? Not sure if I want to be adorable, but I guess that's better than not being able to speak it :) I've gotten many questions about the color of my eyes and my hair, as well as how old I am and if I'm married, and if I'm going to marry Justin Bieber. These kids are pretty curious, and love to ask question after question after question, though I think some of their questions are definitely stalling tactics. While at first I had a hard time teaching and controlling some kids, I am learning a lot about what it means to teach a classroom and how to think on the fly. My lessons rarely go as I planned on them going, and I have to invent things on the spot quite often, which has just made me a bit nervous. I'm a twenty year old theology/music student, yet I'm being placed in front of a classroom where everyone thinks I'm a teacher and told to teach English, which happened to be my least favorite class in school. God has a funny sense of humor! However, I know that it is through my weaknesses, His strength and glory are displayed, that He is glorified and I can name numerous times where I have seen Him provide strength, peace, creativity, and the ability to teach. Yesterday, one of the teachers was sick and so I stepped in and taught all of her classes by myself. I really have enjoyed this experience and I am so thankful for it!

ATRIO School

Fourth Grade, Primary

Nicole and I

My lunch crew

The second school that I teach at is called Jean Piaget. I only teach there on Wednesday afternoons to their High School-ers, and this is more of a conversation group. I help them talk and practice English, as well as proof read papers and such. They surprised me last week with how good their English was, and they definitely have a passion to learn. I have one kid who wants to be an engineer, and another who wants to be an astrophysicist. They are brilliant kids, and I love working with them.

In addition to teaching at the schools, I'm also teaching SEEDS which began last week. We went from 12 kids the first meeting to 19 by the third, so it's growing. I've loved teaching here as well. The program is 3 hours long, and so I've had a bit of a problem keeping the kids involved but we are learning, as well as the Peruvian teachers are starting to take over the teaching which is encouraging to see since they will be continuing this program when I leave. The kids are learning, they just need lots of repetition and such.

Needless to say, I've been quite busy, teaching lots about English. I've had a couple different opportunities to hang out with people down here, which has been fun as well. I have enjoyed getting to know the youth, and working on their English as well.

God has been teaching me a lot, and convicting me in many areas during my time here in Perú. But the most challenging one has been this week and with the concept of Joy. We are saved in Christ Jesus, bought and paid for by His blood, therefore we have every reason to live in His love and Joy. However, often we do not. I know that I am so guilty of this, but we focus on the bad things in our lives rather than the good things, when in reality we have no reason to be sad. I know that life can be difficult, and that there are things that it is nearly impossible to rejoice in. However, we are commanded to "rejoice in the Lord always" (Phil. 4:13). Joy and happiness are not the same thing. Happiness is a feeling, where joy is a choice. Joy is choosing to rejoice in God and trust Him no matter what is going on, where as happiness is an emotion. Many times I think that I need happiness to be joyful, but if I were to choose to rejoice in the Lord and let His joy shine through me, then I would be joyful in Him, whether I was happy or not. Because in reality, I have been saved by His grace, by His sacrifice. He has given me a second chance at life, and chooses to work in my heart every day. He loves me, and has blessed me beyond measure. Where is my reason for sadness?  Why am I not rejoicing every day in His mercies?

As far as food goes, I definitely have stretched my taste buds. I have eaten everything I have been given, and have enjoyed almost all of it. I definitely ate a tomato during this trip and enjoyed it for the first time, as well as I ate guinea pig the first day (called Cuy, pronounced cooie), and I had cow stomach today at school (called Mondongito a Italiano). Also, one of the most popular foods is called Ceviche. It's essentially raw fish with onions and whatever other vegetables you want, mine also had corn, and then it's coated with lemon flavoring. It's super good, and definitely a favored food in Peru. As far as desserts go, my favorite has been Mazamorra. It's a warm, thick, syrupy desert that tastes a bit like cherry cough syrup. It's super sweet. I wasn't so sure about it the first time I ate it, but it definitely has grown on me and I enjoy it now. 

I want to thank you for all of your prayers and support. I have talked with many of you, and am always blessed and humbled by the fact that you are praying for me. I know that God is using your prayers, and I can feel them often. Thank you so much! I pray for you at home often, and hope that everything is going well. However, I would like to ask for continued prayers for:

-- the Serranos and their ministry with YMI Perú down here. God has opened up two opportunities to do Spanish sports camp with local churches in January and February, and is possibly opening more. YMI Perú is also opening up SEEDS in another church, with the possibility of opening more. So God is using them, but they cannot do anything without His will and His power, so just continued prayer of blessings on YMI Perú would be lovely. 

-- the English ministry down here, and that God would equip me to minister to these schools and be His light and His love and His joy

-- that my heart would be open to His will and His plan for ministry, not stuck to my own expectations. 

Thank you so very much! I have included more pictures below, and I hope that you all have a blessed week :) 

First day of work

Jean Piaget

ATRIO

Yes, this is a hot dog...with crunchy french fries

Dancing!

Combi ride

¡¡Dios se bendiga!!
Taylor

[abide]

"Oh praise Him, hallelujah, my delight and my reward! Everlasting, never-failing, my redeemer my God"

I think that the biggest lesson that God has been teaching me during this trip is to abide in Him, constantly, fully, completely. To always chose, every moment, to rest in Him and His timing, and trust that He will open up opportunities for me to serve. After all, there is not a single thing I can do alone down here that will bring Him glory, but rather it is Him who is working through me to bring the glory to Himself.

Training went absolutely wonderful! We had training last Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I trained the teachers on the SEEDS curriculum, and then we spent a lot of time practicing songs, puppets, pantomimes, skits, and going through the English lessons. One thing that constantly amazed me during these trainings was the faith of my teachers. Every day of training, we began with prayer. But it wasn't just a quick prayer of blessing over the training, but rather a time of prayer for the program, for the kids, for the teachers, that God's name would be glorified. I was so blessed to see the humble hearts of the teachers come out in this time. Even though I could only understand about half of what they were saying, they were always first to say "God, we cannot do this without you" and to come before Him completely, humbly, and to ask for His help with the end goal of glorifying Him. I am SO excited to work alongside all of these wonderful people, and was so encouraged to see that spirit of submissiveness and humility in them. I know that these are people who are willing to be used by God, and so I am very excited to see how He will use them. We begin teaching this Saturday. However, we advertised to the church on Sunday and only had five kids sign up, which was a bit disappointing. However, I know that God is bigger than numbers and that even if we only get the opportunity to minister to five kids, that will still bless Him. We have also had another church ask to start a SEEDS program at their church as well, so I think we will be doing a training for them at the end of the month.

Training!

Pantomimes

I also, in the near future, will be leading English conversation groups at two different schools, almost every day to help them learn to speak English better. I have been doing a lot of translating, and ministry preparation, and I'm in the process of setting up a sports camp curriculum for YMI Peru to use during their summer. It's been so amazing to be on the side of just preparing for ministry and seeing what goes on in the every day life of missionaries. I love it :)

I have been able to spend a lot of time with the Serranos, watching the Olympics and playing Phase 10, as well as with some people from the church. I made No-Bake cookies on Saturday, and by Sunday night they were all gone! I was rather proud of my baking skills. My Spanish is slowly but surely improving, and I'm understanding things a lot better which is such an answer to prayer!

I have been so blessed by how I have seen the Lord show up in the last two weeks. While there have been times where I have not had enough patience with something, or didn't trust Him with something like I should have, He still continues to amaze me. His grace and mercy are so abundant, and such an unwarranted and undeserved blessing in my life. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be here in Peru, serving His people and His church, and that I have the honor of seeing Him work down here as well!

If I would ask for anything, it would just be for continued prayer support. Prayer for the ministry of YMI Peru, and all the different branches of ministry they have (English teaching, missionary training, Jungle ministry, possible sports camp ministry). Also, please just pray for the Serranos as well and their continued desire to serve the Lord down here...they are such wonderful people, and I am so blessed to be living with them for two months. As far as me, I would just like prayer for patience and a selfless desire to serve, that I would be open to Him and His plans for this time, and not just insert my own expectations. My stomach also has not been feeling the best over the last couple days, so prayer that that does not turn into something serious would be great.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers! Each of you are so important to me, and I hope that you are doing well. I have included some more pictures from my trip below, for those of you who want to see them :)

Rosario and I

Independence Day Soccer

Briana :)

Phase 10?

Traditional Peruvian Dancers

More cookies...these were gone in an evening

Let the training begin!

Dios se bendigan!!
Taylor

¡¡Hay monos locos en nuestra casa!!

First, a story. This is a story that has been told many times in the last week, as well as is referenced many more times. So in order for you to understand how my trip has been, you first need to understand this story. Sunday night I was talking with Joseph over skype. I was in my room, with my door shut, just chatting away when all of a sudden, my door swings open and Rob, Paul, and Isaac (all members of the YMI team that was here when I arrived) came running into my room, jumping around like they were monkeys, and making monkey noises at the top of their lungs! Ever since then, we have been referencing the crazy monkeys that live in the Serrano's house. And this was my welcome to Peru :)

I arrived in Peru around 9 am on Sunday! After about 19 hours of traveling, I was glad to be off the plane. I was met by Rosario Serrano at the airport and we drove from the airport in Lima to their house about 20 minutes north. First impressions? I love Lima :) There are so many colors, so many people, so much going on. You drive more with your horn than laws, and go wherever your car can fit.

First look at Lima, I love the mountains!

So colorful :)

Sunday and Monday I spent with the team. We went shopping on Monday, it was such a relief to not have to buy things and just look around/help the team when they needed it. I realized quickly my Spanish was lacking, but was able to communicate a little bit. The team left for home on Monday night. It was weird for them to be leaving, because everyone was saying goodbye to the American's and I felt like I should be leaving with them.

Tuesday morning, we cleaned all morning and then just hung out for the afternoon. I talked quite a bit with Pastor Julio on Tuesday about what I am going to be teaching. I am using a program called SEEDS (Simple English for Every Day Situations) to teach English to the students in Pastor Julio's church here, as a part of a program called Jumping that is already established in the church. SEEDS is a curriculum resource to teach the gospel through English. We will be telling bible stories, singing songs, and doing skits all with the message of the Bible, as well as teaching basic English words and concepts to the children. I will be training the teachers next week on SEEDS, and then we begin teaching the students the following week. We will have classes on Tuesdays and Saturdays for three hours a day, then a couple more hours for preparation with the teachers. I am excited to see what God is going to do through this program. I am also going to meet with the youth pastor of the church tonight about getting involved with youth at the church.

The church where I will be working

I have loved getting to know Pastor Julio and Rosario, and their two sons Daniel and Julio. Rosario is teaching me how to cook Peruvian food, which is ALWAYS delicious (or as Pastor Julio would say, richichichichichisimo!). I have had a lot of time to spend time with them, talk with them, and get to know them. They are very patient with me and my Spanish, and I have actually noticed quite a bit of improvement even over the last few days as I am able to understand a lot more and follow conversations better.

I also have seen God show up in so many ways. The first night I was here, I slept on my back wrong and it was sore for a couple days. But it has begun to get better, which is a huge answer to prayer and I am so thankful to the Lord. I also have had a crazy amount of energy, which is a blessing and has given me so much more time to spend with people.

That being said, I would like to ask for prayer for the ministry down here and for the training next week, just that God will use this ministry in mighty ways in the lives of the children and their families as well. I also would like prayer for a flexible spirit, as many times my plans change throughout the day. This is an area the Lord has been stretching me in for a while, and I know that He is continuing to do so. And finally, prayer for Pastor Julio and his family, that the Lord will bless them and their ministry to the people of Peru.

Here are some more pictures:

Julio Jr., Daniel, Rosario, and Pastor Julio

The City of Lima

Oh, a Starbucks run is always important!

Well, I shall write more soon. For now I am off to prepare for the training next week! Thank you so much for your prayers and thoughts, and I hope you are all doing well :) As the Peruvians would say, bendicciones a ti! Chau!

Peru!

Currently, I am sitting in the Los Angeles International Airport, waiting to board my flight to Lima, Peru in about an hour. I can't believe it's finally here...it still seems a bit surreal.

I spent Monday and Tuesday this week working, then spent the day on Wednesday packing, I spent Thursday with Joseph (we went paddleboating), and then came Friday. First of all, I honestly think it is humanly impossible to pack a bag under 50 pounds for two months. I spent almost four hours on Friday trying to get my bag under 50 pounds, and only by a miracle of God did it somehow get there. I'm not going to lie, I was slightly frustrated. BUT. It made it :) I had a final farewell dinner with my family, and then arrived at the Youth Missions International office in Tacoma at 9 pm to have some preparation time before leaving for San Francisco at 2pm today. And now, the long awaited final flight to Peru is here!

I am so excited to go and see how God is working in Peru, and help in any way that I can and that He allows me to :) I praise the Lord for my travel safety thus far, I have had very minimal flight issues, and found all of my flights (though I was slightly lost in San Francisco, but thankfully found my flight 15 minutes before it took off). I am so thankful for this opportunity and how the Lord has provided for me. I have been blown away by the prayer support from my family, friends, and church, and I am SO very thankful that I have such a family behind me. I know God is going to do mighty things through the next few months, and I cannot wait.

I would just like to ask for prayer for continued safety until I reach Peru, as well as during my stay in Peru. Also, just prayer for the ministry of YMI Peru and that God will bless their efforts as they seek Him and His glory, and purpose to make that known. Thank you so much for supporting me through this, and I will try to keep this blog updated as often as possible.

And I will leave you with this: "But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you and you shall be my witnesses in both Jerusalem, and in all Judaea and in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth" Acts 1:8

Hasta Luego!

johnthirteen

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" John 13:34-35, ESV

We all know what the first and greatest commandment is: to love the Lord with all our hearts, all our souls, and all our minds. This is what we are to spend our lives doing, purely loving the Lord. However, it isn't left at just this first commandment...there is a second one. One not as important as the first one, but pretty important all the same: and that is to love one another.

Now you would think: love God, love others. Pretty simple, ya? It shouldn't be that hard to live out. Wrong. If you've ever read 1 Corinthians 13, you know that love isn't something small. In fact, there are many aspects of love.

"love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; 

it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; 

it is not irritable  or resentful; 

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 

Love bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures  all things. 

Love never ends."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Now, if anyone thinks that all of that is completely and totally manageable on their own strength, then stop reading right now. Seriously. 

However, here's the deal with love. It's so big, it cannot be done completely or totally by us on our own strength ever. The only way that someone can be completely and totally loved is through the strength and grace of Christ, and only through Him. This side of heaven, we can try all we want to fully love people but we will fail every time because we are sinful human beings. Christ is the only true source of love. 

And then there's another completely different aspect of love. First, perfect complete love is all of those things mentioned above. All of them...all the time. 

Have you ever heard of the concept of a love language? Gary Chapman wrote a book about it, which I've never read. But I think that's where the idea came from. Anyhow, it's the idea that we each give love and feel loved in different ways. I think according to Chapman, the five love languages are 1) words of affirmation, 2) quality time, 3) gifts, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical touch. So the idea is that each of us feel loved or give love in different ways. For example, I definitely tend to feel love through words of affirmation, quality time, or physical touch. I also tend to give love through words of affirmation or physical touch. However my brother does not feel as loved through physical touch or words of affirmation as I do. To him, I would say that he feels more loved through quality time. I hope this isn't confusing. But what I am trying to get at is that everyone feels love and gives love differently. What is love to you may not be to someone else. 

There are two ways I learned to understand this this week. 

First, I learned that in order to fully love other people, I need to try to understand how they feel loved and try to love them in that way. This is a form of selfless love, purposing and trying to share the love of Jesus with others in a way that sometimes may not be comfortable or easy for me. And it's not an easy thing to do, it takes work. Now obviously, you cannot love every single person like this...you don't know every single person. And there are times you are going to fail, we all do. However, if we ask for the strength and wisdom to love others the way that Jesus loves them and the way they need to be loved, then He will equip us to do that. 

Second, I learned that often people love me in a way that I don't feel loved, but they do and so that is their way of showing their love and care to me. I remember many times in JH and HS being frustrated because I didn't think that certain people cared for me because they didn't do such-and-such. But looking back, I can see how they did care, they just were showing it in their own language and not in mine. It just looked different. 

However, when it comes down to the end, we cannot fully love others without Christ. He is the one who loves them through us, and equips us to help share His love and glory with them. I just encourage you to take this idea of loving others in their own language, and try it out. It has really helped me as I seek to know Him better and to become more like Him, and by living in relationship with His people.

Un mes más...

Today is June 20th. Which means in exactly one month, I will be leaving for my trip to Peru through Youth Missions International! I am beyond excited. I really do feel like I can be excited now that school is out and I don't have to worry about homework and exams.

While I have seen God's hand work during the preparation for this trip, I do think that this is the first trip that I have gone on where I really do not know what to expect. I have been spending time in prayer over the last couple months, as well as in preparation through reading and YMI training, and I really feel like God has been telling me to let go of my expectations and to just be ready for whatever happens. To be prepared to do whatever He calls me to do, to help in whatever way I can help, to learn in any way possible, and to always be focused on His glory and His name. However, for anyone who knows me, it's really hard for me to be flexible. While I want to, it's hard to let go of that aspect of control and just completely go with the flow. That being said, I am very excited for this trip and for the opportunity to grow in my flexibility. I am also excited for the opportunity to live with Julio and Rosario, and to be in Peru for two months. It's an adventure that God has opened up for me, and I know that He will be with me every step of the way. I am beyond excited to see what He has in store for this trip.

It is a huge blessing that God has provided the means necessary to fund my trip, I am so amazed at how He continues to provide and support for the things He has called us into. Nothing is impossible with God. However, I would like to ask for continued prayer support. This is my single biggest need, because I know that it is only by God's hand and through Him that this trip is possible and that it will have any impact on me or the people I am with. I am going for the purpose of His name alone, but I also know that the path He has called me to will not be an easy one. That being said, I would like to ask for prayer. Please pray for Julio and Rosario, and their ministry with YMI Peru. I have talked with both Julio and Lucero about the ministry that they do, and I am beyond excited to help in any way that I can. Prayer that His will be done, and that I will have His eyes and ears and hands and feet during this trip. Also, prayer that I can fully and completely invest wherever I am in whatever I do down there. I am a home body, and I know that I will miss my family and friends deeply. However, I also want to just be able to fully invest in whatever God opens up.

Thank you so much for partnering with me in this. I will continue to keep you updated as much as possible at what the LORD is doing, and I am excited to see what lies ahead :) I will be leaving on July 20th, and returning on September 19th.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." Acts 1:8

To live? Or to survive?

As of the current moment in time, I am a college student. Actually, to be specific, I am a very stressed college student who feels a bit overwhelmed and only has about 2 weeks left before she's a senior college student and has no clue how she's going to get it all done. That basically sums up my life right now. As a result of that, I tend to fly by the seat of my pants. I live from weekend to weekend. I do what I have to do (classes, homework, work) but I am always looking forward to the next break. I also, admittedly, have a tendency to live from nap to nap. My life is based around the next moment I get to rest, to do what I want to do, to do what's easy.

But this is so wrong on so many levels.

Christ came so that we may have life and have it abundantly. So do I really live? Or do I just survive? I survive. And that's all I have been doing for a long time.

We were created in Christ for the purpose to bring Him glory. If you look at Jesus' life, yes He took breaks. We were not created to run 24/7. We need to have time to rest and rejuvenate. But He was very purposeful and intentional about when He took His breaks and how He spent His time during the day.

As I near the end of my second year at SPU, I realize how much time I let slip because I wanted to take a nap or because I wasn't fully invested where I was. Most of the time I just was trying to make it through the day instead of enjoy the day. I didn't look for opportunities to share God's love or share in community throughout my day. While I can see the relationships I was purposeful in and worked hard to invest in them, I can also see the gap of where I failed. And that is what makes me sad. How many opportunities do I miss because I do not focus on living but rather on surviving.

What would it look like if I chose to focus on being fully and completely alive in everything that I do in a day? To not focus on the next big thing, but rather see everything as the next big thing? To purpose to gain all the knowledge I can from each of my classes, to love on people every day at work, to go do my homework with someone else so that I can just be with them and invest in them? I think that if I chose to be faithful in all of these little things, then I would not miss nearly as many opportunities. I would be able to see how God works in the day in and day out, and experience life as He created it to be. To fully live and walk with God in every moment of every day. To live in the present, not the past or the future. To live in Him and His strength, and to take captive every minute of the day to be used for His glory. If I could learn to do that, I think that my life would look very different.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" Matthew 6:33-34

To live? Or to survive? That is the question. I challenge you to live.

pure. spotless. loved. bride.

greenweddingshoes.com

almost every girl that i know plans, thinks, dreams, hopes, creates, designs, searches, fantasizes, imagines, and waits for one specific day in their life: their wedding day. i'm not going to lie, i do it. i'm at the point in my life where many of my friends are in a dating relationship. at the moment, i can think of nine different people in my life who are engaged, and seven different people in my life who have gotten married in the last year. i'm just at that season of life. and yes, i do occasionally spend time thinking/dreaming/planing about that day in my own life, even though it is quite a ways off :) 

but this got me thinking, what is it about the "big day" that we are so excited about? is it the dresses? is it the cake? is it the people? is it the decorations? why are girls so enamored by this day that we spend so much time when we are little talking about prince charming and wedding gowns? I honestly think that its because as girls, we long to be found beautiful. we long to be someone worth fighting for. we long to be the delight of someones heart. this is how God has created us. our wedding day is usually the day when these longings are fulfilled. we get to dress up in white, which signifies purity and beauty, and join our life to the life of someone who promises us to love us for better or for worse, someone who knows our weaknesses and our mistakes but still loves us and delights in us and wants to become our protector. it is a beautiful day. i can't even tell you how many times i have cried at weddings because i'm so excited. i love seeing the pure joy and beauty that shines from the bride, and the sheer awe and delight that radiates off the groom as his bride is walking down the isle. its beautiful.

so thats a wedding. it is when a bride, pure and beautiful, is presented to the groom to be his. the bride and the groom delight in eachother. the groom becomes a mighty warrior, vowing to protect his bride at all cost. the bride becomes a loving partner and friend, vowing to respect and honor and obey her groom no matter what it takes. the pledge their lives to eachother. 

so why all this about weddings?

in case you don't know, the week before Easter is known as holy week or passion week (i've heard it both ways). this week is for preparation to remember first maundy thursday, then good friday, and finally celebrate Easter on sunday. and why do we celebrate Easter? because Jesus died for us. He fought for us. 

yesterday, my pastor mentioned this verse during his sermon:

"for i feel a diving jealousy for you, since i betrothed you to one husband, to present you as a pure virgin to Christ" 2 corinthians 11:2

this passage is written by paul to the false apostles, and talking about the false apostles being led away from "a sincere and pure devotion to Christ". but it got me thinking, and then painted this picture in my mind. i'm going to try my best to describe it so that you can picture it as well.

there's a girl. she's sitting on the side of the road, in the pouring down rain and mud. her hair is matted to her face, and her clothes are hanging on her like they were three sizes too big. she's got blood dripping from the cuts on her wrist, which were her attempts to deal with pain, and has lost all sense of hope from her eyes. she's sitting on top of a suitcase. shes lost. shes alone. she doesn't know what to do. she was raised in a Christian home, but stopped believing in that stuff a while ago. but something made her remember it now. she falls into the puddle of water/mud and just whispers Jesus' name with tears running down her face. she sits there for a while just in a heap on the ground, helpless. 

got that?

now look up the road. lets say its a dirt road. and someone's walking down the road. i'm just going to clarify, this isn't Jesus. this is just another person. he walks by the girl on the road, and stoops down to help. she looks at him with utter despair, and he begins to talk with her. eventually, realizing that he can do no more on his own, he looks at her and says "come with me. i have something you need to see". knowing that she doesn't have anything else to do, she gets up and goes with him, bring her stuff with her. her suitcase full of secrets and hidden feelings, her hopeless eyes and bleeding wrist and over-sized clothes. 

he brings her to a building, and then into a room. he tells her that he wants to present her to someone. but first, he has something for her. its a dress. a beautiful, white, spotless, perfect dress. she is a bit confused. why would someone want her to wear this dress? it was so beautiful, and she was so not. it was so pure, and she was so not. she didn't deserve this dress. couldn't she just meet this person and not wear the dress? but no, he was insistent that she wear the dress in order to meet the person he wanted her to meet. so she puts it on, and he gives her a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers to hold. still a bit confused and a tiny bit scared, she follows him out of the room.

get where i'm going with this?

he stops in front of double doors. he turns and looks at her. "this is where you go on alone. you need to meet someone. but i cannot come with you, this is your own choice. i'll be here when it is over". he steps aside, leaving her before the doors with the choice to walk through or not. she felt a bit ridiculous. she didn't deserve this dress, or the flowers, or the kindness of this guy. and she was pretty sure she didn't deserve whatever was on the other side of that door, not with everything that she had done. she looked back at him. he had such joy, such pleasure, such excitement in his eyes. something made her want to trust him. so she did. she pushed open the doors, and walked in. 

she's in a small, old chapel. there are stained glass windows lining the walls on both sides of her, with the brightest sunlight she has ever seen shining through them. her eyes look down at her feet. there's a red carpet, scattered with flower pedals going all the way up to...wait. all the way up to a Person. all of a sudden, He's all that matters in this chapel. He was just standing there, staring at her, with a huge smile on His face. she didn't know who He was, but He seemed to know her. "you're here! oh, i'm so glad that you finally came! hurry hurry hurry, don't take your time, please walk swiftly. don't listen to the organ music, it's never on time anyways." she oddly found herself beginning to walk quicker, but still feeling a bit confused and ridiculous feeling. did He know who she was? she finally reached the front of the chapel, and He was still smiling. "please, please stop. okay, spin around. i must have a good look at you". she obeyed, and did a slow spin. "you, my dear, are so beautiful. so so beautiful." she was taken a-back by His words. her? beautiful? no way. He noticed the scrapes on her wrist that had dried up by now, and she thought she saw a tear in His eye. that's weird. why was He crying? most people just scolded her. He looked deeply into her eyes. "darling, you are beautiful to me. i'm so excited that you decided to come to me today. you are mine. i have created you, and i see you as beautiful and spotless and pure. i have fought for you, and died for you so that you wouldn't have to. please, let me be your all. i love you." she didn't know what to say. this Man wanted her. He love her. He fought for her. and after everything that she had done wrong, He still dressed her in white and saw her as pure and sinless. she looked into His eyes, His big caring loving eyes, and said one word: "yes".

hopefully you got the picture i was trying to paint, but i'm not much of an artist and painting is a bit of a difficult task to accomplish via words. but i tried.

essentially, we have been presented to Christ as a pure virgin. we are betrothed to Him. all of our sins are washed away before Him, and we have been dressed in white before Him. we are His. we are called to love Him, and honor Him, and glorify Him. we are called to give Him our hearts. when we are filled with His love, it is then that we can give His love in us to another human (like we do on our wedding day). God does delight in us. we are His. 

like many people i know, i wear a purity ring. it is a physical reminder of where my heart belongs. when i was 14 i made a commitment to God and my parents and my husband that i would keep my heart for my husband and remain pure for him. but that was only part of the promise. the other part, probably the more important part, is that i promised that my heart would belong to God. it is a reminder that even though i do not have a guy in my life right now, i am still betrothed to Jesus. i am His bride. i am His. and i always will be, even after i get married. my heart belongs to Him because He is my first love. and it is out of my love for Him, and the love that He bestows upon me, that i will be able to love my husband one day.

we are His bride. we are the bride of Christ. we have been presented spotless and blameless before Him, dressed in white, as a pure virgin. all praise and honor and glory to the God of creation for that, because He knows we do not deserve that. but He loves us anyways. i am so amazed. i am so blessed. His mercy and grace are so amazing. and i hope and pray that we are able to see, and accept, our identity in Him. we are free. we are beautiful. we are pure. we are spotless. we are His bride.

hurt

i have pretty much the smallest pain tolerance in the world. you think i'm kidding...i'm not. when it comes to physical pain, i'm about the biggest wimp out there. each and every one of us have a degree to which we can withstand pain. for some (like me) its a little amount, for others (like a friend of mine in grade school) its a very large amount. 


pain, in its very essence, is something that intrudes on the beauty of life. often however it makes us aware that something is wrong. when you break a bone, i'm told it is extremely painful. the reason is because your leg is trying to tell the rest of you that something is very wrong, something isn't going right, and you need to fix it. and sometimes that fixing can cause more pain then there originally was so that in the end the pain is eventually gone. usually if nothing hurts, nothing is going wrong. 


however, like we all know, pain is not only physical. it can be emotional as well. this type of pain is called hurt. whether its hurt caused by relational issues or personal issues or past issues, hurt can be detrimental to a person. and often, when we are in the midst of hurt, we can't find a way to see past it. that's all that matters. just the hurt right then and there, and it seems impossible sometimes that life can ever be hurt-less again. i have had hurt get to a point where i can no longer sleep because it hurts so bad. sometimes i think that emotional hurt can be so much bigger than physical pain. it can hurt even more. for a time in high school, i had nights where the emotional hurt was so big i couldn't even dream of ever overcoming it. i had tried certain things to make it go away, but none of them were successful. i felt so overwhelmed. 


when you read through the psalms, there are so many that portray david trying to glorify God in his pain. it has become a well known christian "saying" now to glorify Him in the rain as well as in the sun. we cannot only have Jesus in the good times, we need to have Him in the bad times too and bring Him glory in both. but how do we bring glory to God when, if we're honest, it can be hard to see Him in the midst of our hurt?


i've been praying and asking God to help me glorify Him in the hurt, and asking for ways to bring Him glory even when i can't always see Him present in my hurt. this has been a prayer request of mine for a very long time as i've worked through different issues and different hurts. and this is what He put on my heart tonight. 

like i said in the beginning, often it takes you going through more pain or hurt before you will reach resolution or healing. anyone who wants to loose weight must first go through the daily struggle of working out and establishing a routine. anyone who wants to heal from a wounded relationship must first go through the daily (and sometimes hourly) re-commitment of that pain to God and to His healing power. a lump of clay first must be molded and formed (which if the clay had feelings, i'm sure that would hurt) before it can be made into a beautiful pot. all of those various forms of pain before perfection mean that change is taking place, something is being made different.

this is what hurt is in our lives.

this is a way God works in our hurt.

hurt is a sign that God is wanting to make something different, He is wanting to change something. if there was never hurt, i would be worried because then God would not be calling to my attention the things that need to change. since we are indeed human, we will never be perfect and therefore we will always have things that need fixing. and even though the fixing often will hurt, it is God who is orchestrating the fixing and indeed He is "fixing".

i don't know if any of this made sense, but it was on my mind and heart tonight. it did bring me comfort as i have been dealing with hurt and healing recently, and reminded me that those hurts are signs of God doing a work and changing something to be more like Him. and i can take pride and comfort in that, because the God of the universe is doing a work in my life. He is molding me. He is changing me. and He will redeem my hurt and healing for His glory.

i think i may have just rambled, but i hope at least the main point stands out. if you have anything you would like to add, please let me know.

i will close with this: thank you Jesus for the fact that you are present in our pain as well as in our joy, and that you see us worthwhile enough to change and mold and shape us into who you want us to be.

shalom.